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Dear Annie

Misplaced resentment

Dear Annie: I have Type 2 diabetes, and I went through a near-death experience this summer — with kidney failure, congestive heart failure and other problems. I had to have surgery. While I recovered in the hospital, my son brought me my laptop. I posted my story on Facebook.

While my other friends were offering messages of sympathy over my illness, my friend “Jill” was posting about an art show she was having. She paid no attention to my post. After a couple of weeks, I texted her husband, “Jack,” and asked whether Jill had seen my post. I repeated my whole story. He said that Jill was too busy to talk, that she had an upcoming art show and their son was getting married. After another couple of weeks, I texted, “How was the wedding?” I found that the wedding was not for another two weeks. Yet Jill has not said anything about my brush with death.

I still have a tiny amount of fluid in my pericardium, and my left ventricle is still enlarged. What happened in June could recur, and next time, I might not be so lucky. I recently read that when we are handed bad news that is too much for us to handle, our minds settle on lesser problems that we can focus our grief and anger on. This made a lot of sense to me. I cannot wrap my head around dying, so I can be angry with my self-absorbed friends.

But what should I do? Jill was a good friend. She may have a chip on her shoulder about having flunked grad school while some of us went on to have exciting tech jobs. She found her niche later in life, maybe in her 50s, and has fallen into a habit of dismissing those of us who are retired.

— Miffed

Dear Miffed: Yes, you’re probably focusing so much on Jill because it’s easier to be angry at something tangible. You hit that square on the head. Then you went right back to resenting her.

You need to break this cycle of blame and judgment — not for Jill’s sake but for your own. When recovering from surgery and battling chronic illness, attitude is everything. Start a gratitude journal, and list 10 things you’re grateful for every morning. Spend time with friends and family who make you feel loved.

Jill may come around eventually and apologize for not being there. She may not. Your mood can’t depend on it. Forgive her in your heart and free yourself to experience more joy. I wish you good health.

Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com. To find out more about Annie Lane and read features by other Creators Syndicate columnists and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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