Kevin’s career search continues
Kevin's career search continues
U.S. Secret Service
Super-special Secret Service Dog Training Department
245 Murray Ln SW – BLDG T-5
Washington, DC 20223
March 20, 2019
To Whom It May Concern,
I am a distinguished dachshund of outstanding character and I’m writing to you because I feel a moral obligation to do so. I’m not exactly a “whistle-blower,” as I don’t know how to use a whistle, but I have been employed as Chief Sentry in all locations I frequent (home, office, automobile) for all of my 13 years, and I’m very experienced at sounding the alarm, which I feel is warranted here.
My roommate of 8 years, Kevin Daverio, has submitted his application for admission into your prestigious institution. What concerns me is that he has falsified some of his qualifications in order to gain acceptance. Please understand, I am not inclined to throw others “under the bus,” but I think it’s fair to say that Kevin is the sort of dog that would run under the bus all by himself. He’s come very close to doing that on a couple of memorable occasions — quite literally. He’s a bit of a loose cannon, with serious impulse-control issues, which is why I feel he is ill-suited for entrance into your organization.
Contrary to what he put on his application, he’s not a Netherlands-born Belgian Malinois, he’s a miniature dachshund. He has brown fur, but that is where the similarities end. He fudged his age and weight: he has never approached the requisite 75 lbs. for a Secret Service dog (he’s currently less than 12 lbs.) Since Secret Service dogs serve a maximum of 11 years, and most are retired by age 10, I’d say he’s past his prime service years at 8 years-old.
Regarding his self-reported “indefatigable” stamina for exercise, while I am sure he believes this to be true, I feel he is deluding himself. If he were even able to make it through your intense 20-week “basic training,” with the grueling work required to stay fit and sharp (8 hours of training a week, every week) this lifestyle would seriously cut into his 9-hour naps. While he is on high-alert, even during naps, and he still can rocket across our yard in, like, 15 seconds, he can’t keep up the pace longer than a few blocks.
Some of the accomplishments Kevin listed on his application are somewhat embellished. His claims of capturing that squirrel are highly inflated — Ivy caught it, Miriam finished it — while Kevin was busy barking at the neighbors. It is so like him to take full credit! And, for the record, he has never taken down an intruder. He excels at peeing on intruders’ feet when they say “Awww,” and reach down to pet him. Potential perpetrators PET Kevin, even when he is barking at them in his fiercest voice! I am proud to say that nobody EVER reaches to pet ME when I’m barking menacingly! Not being an expert in attack training, I’m just guessing that extreme cuteness isn’t a quality you look for in a dog meant to protect the president and other important people.
To his credit, Kevin is very brave and would gladly take a bullet for his people. Being so small and wiggly, he’d be tough to shoot — a distinct advantage over a larger target. He’s got very healthy teeth, and is not afraid to use them to inflict maximum damage, though he’d need to stand on a chair to reach any bite-worthy locations on a perp. He is not afraid of heights, so no problem, if a chair is available.
Despite what Kevin has mentioned in his application, he’s never sniffed a bomb. He does have an excellent nose, however, so if he could be trained to work in your “Friendly Dogs” department, sniffing passers-by and their belongings, he’d excel, especially if there is concern about smuggled sandwiches or pizza. Live rabbits definitely would not make it past him. As he fits in most luggage and in other small spaces, and would work for peanuts (he loves peanuts) you’d get your money’s worth from him.
I told him he was barking at the moon trying to get in with the Secret Service, and advised him to set his sights a little lower. He said he already got his acceptance letter from USC, and that they didn’t even ask for his Canine Good Citizen Test results, which is good, since he didn’t even take that test (he’d never pass!) He was accepted to their rowing team, which is weird, because I never knew him to be interested in boats. He says this photo (enclosed) proves he’s an expert coxswain, whatever that is.
— Daverio is a veterinarian at Williamsport West Veterinary Hospital. Her column is published every other Sunday in the Lifestyle section. She can be reached at email@example.com.