Dr. Stephanie’s special recipes
Dr. Stephanie’s special recipes
As an avid amateur home cook, I’m always looking for new and interesting recipes. Here, I’m sharing some of my personal favorites. I have taken a few liberties, and put my own spin on some, to keep things interesting. Results may vary.
Recipe for Mud
1 part dirt
1 part water
Combine all ingredients. Enjoy.
Recipe for Disaster
1 part mud
Mix all ingredients.
Open door, stand back.
Appreciate the instant avant-garde masterpiece.
Athletic, wild rabbit, running around the yard in random zigzags.
Recently cleaned carpet.
King-size bed with freshly laundered linens.
A nice outfit, preferably dry-clean only.
An urgent appointment.
That nice lady from church who doesn’t like dogs, but stopped by to drop off some cookies.
Equipment advised for “easy” cleanup:
Additional cleaning equipment required if a doodle (AKA, a standard poodle mix of any kind) is involved:
— Assistant (lasso skills and/or Greco-Roman wrestling skills, a must)
*Will not avert disaster, but may mitigate the situation IF the doodle is captured and detained prior to romping gleefully through the house.
**CAUTION** do NOT enlist the help of someone who is not in it to win it. Teenagers and husbands wearing earbuds make terrible assistant mud-dog handlers.
***WARNING*** ALTERNATE INSTRUCTIONS FOR APPRECIATORS OF DANISH MODERN DESIGN: Move. Adopt a hairless, indoor-only cat.
Recipe for Mudpocalypse
1 part mud
It’s too late — save yourself.
Recipe for a Knuckle Sandwich
Whatever else is in the garbage can
1 (or more) dogs
Leave garbage can unattended for 3.5 seconds.
Call the veterinarian.
Give the person in charge of the garbage can a proverbial “knuckle sandwich.”
Recipe for a Not-So-Nice Hawaiian Punch
1 dorky, over-enthusiastic, excited, big dog
1 oblivious person
Add oblivious person to a room with dorky, over-enthusiastic, excited, big dog.
Ask oblivious person to bend down near the dorky, over-enthusiastic, excited, big dog to pick something up off the floor.
— Ice pack (or bag of frozen peas).
— Soap and water.
— Hawaiian Punch.
Remove dorky, over-enthusiastic, excited, big dog from the area.
Use soap and water to clean any nicks or scratches sustained to oblivious person from encounter with dorky, over-enthusiastic, excited, big dog.
Apply ice pack (or bag of frozen peas) to any swollen/painful areas on oblivious person.
Offer the oblivious person a glass of Hawaiian Punch (to raise their blood sugar, if feeling woozy.)
1 counter-surfing dog (tall height optional, if alternate route to counter is available)
Leave the house for a minimum of 15 minutes.
Collect breadcrumbs from the secret-special spot in the living room or at the top of the stairs (be sure to pick out the bits of shredded plastic wrapper before consuming.)
Crackers, snack chips of any type, muffins, cookies, cake or cupcakes may be substituted for bread to provide a variety of crumb flavors (savory or sweet).
Recipe for Bacterial Broth (Yum!)
Extra large bowl
Fill bowl with water.
Leave filled bowl on the floor, in range of any and all pets.
Allow all animals, large and small, to utilize bowl for drinking (and, for cats, foot-cleansing) needs.
Refill bowl, day after day. Do not wash.
— Automatic water dispenser jug/bowl combo.
— Water bottle (rodents/rabbits).
Recipe for Natural Sedative/Sleep Aid
1 comfy seat
1 (or more) warm, furry pets
Place person in comfy seat.
Cover partially with blanket, as needed.
Add 1 (or more) pets.
Simmer until desired sedation/sleep occurs.
More pets may be added for warmth and increased sedation/relaxation.
— Good book.
— Delicious beverage.
Recipe for Fun
1 dog/cat (may substitute 1 ferret or 1 rabbit)
1 awesome toy
1 playful person (more may be added, for extra fun)
Combine all three ingredients. Repeat at least daily.
Alternate recipe for Fun
1 dog or willing cat
1 leash (+/- harness)
1 person (more may be added for extra fun)
1 sunny day
Attach leash to dog (or cat).
Attach person to other end of leash.
Take the assembled apparatus outside to enjoy the sunny day.
Here’s wishing all a happy and healthy spring. And remember: mud washes off with a little elbow grease. Sorry — the recipe for elbow grease will have to wait for another draft.
— Daverio is a veterinarian at Williamsport West Veterinary Hospital. Her column is published every other Sunday in the Lifestyle section. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.