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Creature comforts

Interview with a guinea pig — Part 2 of 2

Wyatt, a senior (13 year-old) feline member of the Daverio household has been selected to conduct an exclusive interview with Gumdrop Buttons, a 1-year-old guinea pig and beloved pet. The following is a continuation of their riveting discussion about the life and times of guinea pigs.

Wyatt: Hey! You just made a purring noise! Please explain.

Gumdrop Buttons: We have something in common — guinea pigs make a purring sound when we are contented or feeling good. We also “wheek” (or whistle) when we’re excited about awesome stuff, like when someone opens a plastic bag (food!) or the refrigerator (food!) We can squeak, chatter, grunt, rumble and chirp, depending on our moods or what’s happening and to communicate with each other and with our caretakers.

Wyatt: So, you’re a pet. How do you feel about that?

GB: It’s a living. Very few responsibilities other than looking cute and letting my little girl pick me up and cuddle me. My roommate has to wear embarrassing outfits — his fault — he just sits there and lets it happen.

Wyatt: Your roommate is another guinea pig?

GB: Yes. Senor Squeaky McChubbybottom. I call him “Chubs.” He’s a pretty laid back dude, but he hogs the pellets and snores. We live in a big cage with fluffy recycled paper bedding. It’s cozy, but we get some free time to run around in our girl’s room when she’s watching us, so the accommodations are acceptable.

Wyatt: Are guinea pigs happy living in groups, or does it stress you guys out?

GB: Most of us like to have another guinea pig or two for company. For thousands of years, guinea pigs have been kept in herds — it’s part of our natural history.

Wyatt: (chuckling) Seriously — a herd?

GB: Yes — what’s so funny?

Wyatt: My apologies (still chuckling) I can’t get this image of a horse paddock filled with tiny, 2-pound guinea pigs squeaking and running around.

(Silence)

Wyatt: Ahem. Sorry, that was rude. Of course it’s a herd of guinea pigs (stifled laughter). So a male cat is called a “tom” and a female cat, a “queen” and the babies are “kittens.” How is it for guinea pigs?

GB: A male guinea pig is a “boar,” a female is a “sow” and our babies are “pups.”

Wyatt: Huh. So they kept the pig connotations except for the babies.

GB: People are weird.

Wyatt: Indeed.

GB: While it’s nice living with Chubs, we’ve been feeling kinda like our studly maleness is being wasted. We only have a life expectancy of, like 4-8 years, and we’re not getting any younger — we both want girlfriends, know what I mean?

Wyatt: Not really, but they say I’ve been “altered” and that changes my … urges … whatever that means.

GB: Well, we guinea pigs are really good at making baby guinea pigs. The gestation period is about the same as for cats and dogs (average 65 days) and sows can get pregnant almost immediately after giving birth, so we can “breed like rabbits,” so to speak. The pups are born with their eyes open, fully haired, and ready to run and eat solid food.

Wyatt: Wow — precocious. Wait, I thought you were mammals. Don’t your newborns need to nurse mother’s milk?

GB: They do, but they also eat solid food.

Wyatt: Far out. Speaking of food, I understand guinea pigs are vegetarians. Why are you opposed to eating meat? Meat is delicious.

GB: Well, more correctly, we’re herbivores. We can’t digest meat and don’t have the right teeth for that sort of thing. Plus — eeew!

Wyatt: Don’t know what you’re missing, friend. So explain about the teeth.

GB: We have long incisors in the front for nibbling and flat molars in the back of our mouths for grinding food. Our teeth grow continuously, so we must chew hard things for most of the day to keep our teeth from growing too large for our mouths. We prefer really fibrous grasses and hays as our mainstay.

Wyatt: Hay?! I like to nibble grass if I can get to it, but it always makes me sick. Doesn’t it upset your stomach?

GB: Nah, we have specialized digestion to help get all the nutrients from roughage like that, so it’s fine. Also, like rabbits, we ingest the green, elongated “night feces” or “cecotropes” we pass so we can absorb all the good B-vitamins and stuff from our food.

Wyatt: Miriam, one of my housemate dachshunds, eats poo. She gets yelled at for it. But you’re saying it’s actually OK to do that?

GB: It’s necessary for rodents and rabbits. For dogs, it’s just gross.

Wyatt: Do you eat anything else?

GB: Yes, pellets made of hay and we love dark green leafy and other fresh vegetables and some fruits. Fun fact: guinea pigs, like people, need vitamin C in their diets or we’ll get scurvy.

Wyatt: Aye-aye to that. And we are out of time and space. Thanks, Gumdrop Buttons!

Daverio is a veterinarian at Williamsport West Veterinary Hospital. Her column is published every other Sunday in the Lifestyle section. She can be reached at life@sungazette.com.

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