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Creature comforts

51 things my pets have taught me

1. Get up each morning with a stretch, a vigorous shake of the head, and a wagging tail. Seize the day!

2. After breakfast, go back to bed. For nine hours, or at least until something exciting happens.

3. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want.

4. If asking isn’t working, begging is perfectly acceptable and extremely effective.

5. If nobody’s around to tell you “No,” then, do it.

6. Be prepared to fight for what you want.

7. Go ahead and scratch that itch.

8. What’s a mirror?

9. If you are like a dog, running is fun. Running through puddles is way-better. Running through dry leaves is awesome.

10. If you can get someone to chase you, run like the wind!

11. If you are like a cat, running is stupid. Reclining in various positions, most resembling Cleopatra on her throne, is a much more acceptable pastime.

12. If you find something that smells good to you, adorn yourself with its fragrance. Don’t be shy — really slather it on.

13. Smelly is in the nose of the smeller.

14. Baths are torture sessions delivered directly from the devil. Flowery soap is against nature and all that is good.

15. Just because fruity soap smells good enough to eat, it is not.

16. Being wet makes you invincible! And super-speedy-fast.

17. True contentedness begins with a power nap. All the better if this can occur in the company of others and inside a homemade fort or lounging apparatus.

18. Walking all over somebody in your path is not rude, it’s just a little more work than walking around them. They can’t help it if they’re in your way. Perhaps being walked over will teach them to stay off your path.

19. Nothing beats rolling in the fresh, new grass on a warm, Spring day. Except eating the grass.

20. When throwing up grass, choose a prominent location, such as a special chair or carpet. It will be cleaned up by the staff much more efficiently.

21. When throwing up ill-gotten booty, do so in a special, secret location, to avoid the immediate notice of and altercations with the management.

22. Good stuff comes wrapped in crinkly plastic.

23. The best stuff lives in the refrigerator.

24. Try to avoid dangling your tail in front of a turtle. Actually, try to avoid dangling anything you care about in front of a turtle.

25. Never stick your nose directly into a turtle’s open mouth — no matter how tempting this might be to you.

26. Picking fights is easy. Winning them … not so much. Especially with a turtle.

27. When picking fights with opponents many times your size and strength, be sure your­­ posse has your back.

28. Camouflage provides quality alone-time without being alone. Stealth mode.

29. Eating little spiders won’t kill you.

30. Eating socks, gloves, rocks and underwear just might kill you. But if they’re delicious, go ahead, take your chances.

31. Live in the moment. Who cares about yesterday or tomorrow? Or ten minutes from now?

32. If somebody sounds the alarm, no matter how many times a day, no matter how many times it’s bogus — back them up. You just never know.

33. Boxes are from Heaven. Unless you are forcibly placed inside one and confined against your will. Then, they are from the Devil.

34. The water in flower vases and under the Christmas tree is forbidden because it is magical. The benefits of obtaining even one swallow far outweigh the risks.

35. To be forgiven, it’s very important to look sorry.

36. Fish and snakes don’t blink.

37. When the snow is over your head, blaze a trail.

38. If somebody blazes a trail, use it so you don’t have to make one yourself.

39. The highest status one can achieve is to be allowed access to the management’s big, tall, warm, comfy bed. There, you are king of the world!

40. If your paws are muddy, wash them in the big water bowl. The staff is pretty good about cleaning that up.

41. The couch is an excellent place to dry your wet paws. Laps are a warmer option for winter months.

42. Possession is nine-tenths of the law.

43. Licking something or sitting on it is nine-tenths of possession.

44. Napkins and tissues are fun to shred and eat.

45. Used dryer sheets are easy to shred and eat, but hurt coming out.

46. If you find a frozen, dead possum under the deck, and want to keep it, don’t drag it out where the management can see. It will be confiscated.

47. Personal grooming is very important.

48. Communal grooming helps with the hard-to-reach spots.

49. Babies grab, but they are quite often covered with food. Patience is often rewarded with babies, as they need a lot of grooming.

50. Sunshine inside the house is divine.

51. Follow the sunshine.

Daverio is a veterinarian at Williamsport West Veterinary Hospital. Her column is published every other Sunday in the Lifestyle section. She can be reached at life@sungazette.com.

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