Trending
"The Super Mario Bros. Movie" is a way to spend 90 minutes.
The first scene actually made me super hype: The sheer sense of dread from Bowser's floating castle juxtaposed with the slapstick comedy of a bunch of tiny penguins throwing snowballs at the turtle man himself was enough to pique my interest and forget, even for a moment, the casting choices that had been announced nearly two years ago.
What little hope I had for the rest of the movie quickly died out the second the titular character opened his mouth.
Part of what makes the character Mario so charming to me is the fact that he's largely silent. Nintendo is a fan of silent protagonists, which allows the players to imagine themselves in that role.
Here's what I guarantee happened: When a bunch of executives sat down and decided to make a "Super Mario Bros." movie, they specifically chose Chris Pratt as the voice actor. Pratt, however, must have cost a pretty penny to book, so to get their money's worth, they told the writing team to make sure Mario had as many lines as possible.
The same could be said with the rest of the cast, especially Seth Rogan as Donkey Kong -- another silent Nintendo protagonist.
Let me explain something kind of abstract. When you pick voice actors for an animated project, you pick them for one of two reasons: 1) The actor is capable of many different voices and can therefore play lots of different characters, like Tara Strong, or 2) They have a unique voice that everyone will recognize immediately, like Jon Benjamin.
The "Mario" actors are well-known, sure, but none of them have super unique voices or strong voice acting resumes. It honestly felt like they were chosen because they were big names.
That's not to say I thought the whole movie was a flop; there were actually some elements I enjoyed.
For example, I liked the explanation as to why Mario, Luigi and Peach are the only humans in the Mushroom Kingdom: some generic alternate universe mumbo-jumbo involving the ubiquitous green pipes from the "Mario" games. Sure, it wasn't the most creative narrative device, but it made sense. And, it's a children's movie, so it doesn't have to be more complex than that.
I also loved every single scene involving Bowser. Most of the other vocal performances felt very phoned-in, but Jack Black really went for it. Bowser was the perfect combination of comic book super-villain and just some dork with a crush on Princess Peach.
I wouldn't be surprised if the girlies on tumblr start calling him their "poor little meow-meow" soon, especially considering he plays the piano now.
The animation was also very impressive. Illumination is notorious for having some of the best animation software currently out there, which is why it's a shame that the talented people who work there are stuck doing the most sub-par cash-grabs, like "Minions."
The water effects in "Mario" are some of the best I've seen, period. Too bad it was sullied by Pratt and Rogan arguing with their nearly identical voices.
And, I gotta be honest, I loved that (spoilers) Luigi was the one to save Mario during the final fight with Bowser. After a whole movie of Luigi being absolutely useless, it was nice to see him do something helpful for a change.
My complaints, however, are with literally everything else.
As previously mentioned, almost all the performances were super flat.
I'm sure the bigwigs pulling the strings behind the scenes chose the actors for their star power (no pun intended), but they misunderstand why people see animated movies in the first place. It's not for the actors themselves but rather for the sounds in combination with the animation.
Even beyond the poor casting, the story itself was rather...nonexistent. The pacing was really weird because it felt like they were more concerned with shoving as many video game references in as little time as possible.
With a run time of just 92 minutes, that didn't leave a lot of time for, you know, character development and other things you expect from a story. It lacked any real substance beyond "Look, it's Rainbow Road! Like from 'Mario Kart!'"
Also, I have no idea what was with that blue star dude, but he was really getting on my nerves. If you know, you know.
Do I think young kids will like the movie? Of course! It's got bright colors and funny moments and music they recognize. What more could they ask for?
But for the adults that have to lug them to the theater, be prepared to lose about three years from your lifespan every time a character half-heartedly says, "Mamma mia."