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The everlasting tragedy of Sept. 11, 2001, unfolded for me on a television in my editor's office, so you would think that is my most vivid memory of one of the most horrible days in the history of our country.
But it is not because journalism required suppression of emotion in favor of the chaos of transmitting history as quickly and objectively as possible, which we all tried to do that day.
The most vivid memory I have of that time is the bowling ball lodged in my stomach while on a riding mower at our house in Nisbet, cutting the grass on a pristine afternoon the Sunday after the premeditated explosion of two buildings in New York City, the tragic plane crash in Shanksville and the collision at the Pentagon.
There would be no early season pro football games or pennant race baseball to watch on this Sunday. Sports were on hiatus as the nation mourned.
There was nothing to do except mow the grass, accompanied by ear buds and music meant to bring peace and serenity.
But on this day, the paralysis of overwhelming grief made music seem out of place. So there was just the hum of the mower - and the bowling ball.
You are familiar with the bowling ball - that mass in your stomach that grows out of nowhere, fed by grief, anxiety and fear. You can't talk yourself out of the feeling. You can't escape it. It is a cancer in your heart and soul that I am certain millions of fellow citizens felt at that time.
In the aftermath of the obscene calamity that is the pullout of Afghanistan, the bowling ball is back.
But this time, the fear, grief and anxiety have company. They are upstaged by anger.
There is anger at how preventable this endangerment of American and Afghani lives was. There is anger at the people paid to protect us and American interests making reckless decisions that show no sense of the situation. There is anger that politics has any role in such a life-and-death matter.
As the Taliban waltzed its way into control of Afghanistan, we were told there was no choice, our leaders were bound by an agreement made by the previous administration. Besides the fact that the current administration has overturned about three dozen Trump administration orders, some on Day 1, with no regard for implications, that pronouncement is also inaccurate.
The Taliban was told face to face by the Trump administration that the pullout would stop and there would be retribution if any American or Afghani translator or refugee was harmed during the pullout. The plan was to get the people out first, get the weaponry out of the country and then leave.
Because the previous administration had consistently followed through with killings of plotting terrorist leaders and a bombing in Syria, there is every reason to believe that plan could have been executed. And every poll indicates most Americans would have been happy with that, believing 20 years was enough time in Afghanistan. Personally, because Afghanistan is a nesting ground for terrorists who mean harm to this country and others, I would have favored a small presence from an intelligence-based peacekeeping force, similar to South Korea.
But instead of any of that, the Biden administration gave up our military air base, the ideal transportation vehicle, and gave the Taliban control of the pullout. In what universe do military and political leaders come to the conclusion this was the way to do this, then take the weekend off while horrified Afghani people and stranded Americans stare death in the face?
It's the same universe where people decide white supremacy is the greatest terrorist threat we face, our southern border is best when it is wide open to drug cartels and illegal immigrants, we don't need energy independence, our police are not all that necessary and our history needs recreated. Who are these people and how do they still have jobs? Why do they want power over a country they clearly do not believe in as much as we do?
The questions are clear: What do our allies now think of us? Do we have any allies after this? How do we fix this desertion of Afghani translators, our veterans who gave lives and limbs and others in that country who have helped us the past two decades? How can we evacuate everyone safely in coming days without mass killings? What will happen when the Taliban is in full control of what could be a killing field? What terrorist coalitions are forming there, what are they plotting and how deep is the danger to this country and others in the coming days? Will we be safe on Sept. 11?
Those are the questions inside the bowling ball in the pit of this stomach.
David F. Troisi retired as editor of the Sun-Gazette. None of the opinions expressed necessarily represent the views of the Sun-Gazette.