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Annie’s Mailbox

Dear Annie: I am the woman who wrote the letter signed “Fluffy’s Competition,” about my husband’s fondness for his cat. You printed several responses from readers, one of whom said the cat was there first and another who thought it was perfectly OK for my husband to drop me at the hospital for a seven-hour surgery while he spent the day with Fluffy at the vet.

I didn’t mention that the day I had my surgery, there were complications and I ended up in intensive care. My daughter couldn’t reach my husband because he wouldn’t return her phone calls. He didn’t show up at the hospital for two days. Aside from my severe allergies (for which I take medication), Fluffy currently has body mites, and my husband refuses to get her treated because vets are “too expensive.” I agree with you that his priorities are screwed up.

– Still Fluffy’s Competition

Dear Still: Whatever reservations we had about your husband are gone now that we know he didn’t turn up at the hospital until two days after your surgery. Is there a reason you cannot pay for Fluffy’s mite treatment yourself? It seems worth it. But only you can decide whether you love your husband enough to play second fiddle.

Dear Annie: I recently married a man who has never been married before, although he lived with a woman for 15 years. I have three grown children from a previous marriage. After our wedding two months ago, we planned on moving into my house until I can sell it. Vic’s house is in a rather scary neighborhood.

Vic promised to move out of his place on August 1, but didn’t, so I’ve been living there in order to be with him. We both agreed to get a new place when my house sells, and he promised this arrangement would be temporary. I really hate his rundown neighborhood, and worse, his ex lives two blocks away.

When we are together, he treats me very well, but I worry that he’ll never move out of his place. I am fantasizing about selling my place, taking the check and driving to Vegas to open my own business. I love Vic, but I didn’t bargain to live the rest of my life in this lousy neighborhood.

– Unhappy in Rhode Island

Dear Unhappy: Set a time limit on staying at Vic’s place – perhaps three months after your house is sold. But don’t wait until the sale to start looking at other neighborhoods – that way Vic can see the benefits of a nicer home in a better area. Help him pack up his stuff so that his house appears less comforting and more transitional. A new marriage and a new home can be traumatizing for some people, and you have to give Vic time to adjust.

Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Email questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net. Visit www.creators.com.

Annie’s Mailbox

Dear Annie: My husband passed away in January. I found him dead on the floor when I came home. Then the ambulance, fire truck, police, undertaker and coroner came. My grandchildren wanted to get here as soon as possible, and my granddaughter ended up parking haphazardly, taking up two inches of my neighbor’s driveway.

Yesterday, this neighbor was in her yard, and I asked whether she would trim her tree that was hanging over my driveway. She told me she was still angry that my granddaughter had parked in her driveway. Annie, it’s September, and she is still upset about something that happened in January. Do I need to give her a lollipop?

I am 86 years old, and she is 45. This bothers me, and I don’t know what to do. Should I talk to her about it or leave her alone?

– N.

Dear N.: Your neighbor sounds amazingly petty. Nonetheless, it seems as though you prefer to get along with her, so you’ll have to mend the fences. Invite her over for coffee and apologize sincerely for your granddaughter’s inadvertent parking job. We hope she can get over it.

Dear Annie: I am dating a 56-year-old man. “Ralph” has been married three times and has been single for the past seven years. I’m a 53-year-old woman. I’ve been married twice and have been divorced less than a year.

Ralph and I have been dating for nine months and have been living together for the past seven. In the beginning, we discussed getting married. Now, he never mentions it. I have brought the topic up twice, but he doesn’t respond.

I want to get married again. Is it time to move on and leave this relationship?

– Harriett in Hartford

Dear Harriett: So you moved in with Ralph after two months? And you want to get married again, even though you’ve been divorced less than a year? We think you don’t know how to live without a man in your life, so you rush into every relationship and try to make it permanent.

We’d advise you to move out of Ralph’s place and live on your own for at least six months. Do not even think about moving in with a boyfriend until you are engaged or married. If that means you end up living by yourself for a while, even better. When you become attached to a guy simply for the sake of being part of a couple, it invariably creates problems down the road. Please take the time to enjoy your own company for a while.

Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Email questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net.

Annie’s Mailbox

Dear Annie: I notice that often the advice you offer is to “get counseling.” But what happens in counseling? Can you explain how it helps?

– L.

Dear L.: The point of counseling or therapy is to help you determine what it is you want to accomplish and how to get there.

This could be a career goal, a marital dispute, a problem with family members or anything that is causing difficulty for you and that you cannot resolve on your own. A good counselor/therapist will help you set appropriate goals and work with you to achieve them. Counselors (e.g., psychologists, licensed social workers) are generally well trained and licensed. Therapists (e.g., psychiatrists and psychoanalysts) usually have additional training and can prescribe medication.

When choosing someone to see, we recommend getting a referral through your physician, a friend or relative, or an accredited licensing association such as the American Psychiatric Assn. (psych.org), the American Psychological Assn. (apa.org) or the National Association of Social Workers (socialworkers.org).

It may help to find one who specializes in your particular problem. Not all counselors will be a good match, and it may require a session or two before you decide whether you are comfortable with this person or need to find someone else.

When you first see the counselor/therapist, you may be asked what you wish to accomplish or what you want to work on.

Some problems can be resolved in a few sessions, but more complicated ones can take longer. It is important that you be totally honest with the counselor, as anything else is a waste of your time and money. And if the counselor makes suggestions, do the work. Nothing will change if you don’t make the effort.

Dear Annie: Our daughter is getting married soon. We have paid for all the usual services at a wedding, but we have a question about the photographer and the disc jockey. Both of these people own their businesses. These owners will be the ones providing the services at the wedding, with no other employees present. Some people say we should tip them for their time and services. We feel that since they own their businesses, their profit includes their tip. Right or wrong?

– To Tip or Not To Tip

Dear Tip: You do not need to tip the owners of the photography studio or the disc jockey who is self-employed. They don’t expect to be tipped. However, should they go above and beyond what you hired them for, you may wish to add a gratuity as a way of saying “thanks.”

Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Email questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net.

Annie’s Mailbox

Dear Annie: September is National Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month as proclaimed by the U.S. Senate and President Obama, whose mother battled the disease.

Ovarian cancer is the most deadly of all gynecologic cancers, affecting one in 72 women. It is lethal and insidious – hard to detect, difficult to treat and with no reliable screening test. A Pap test does not detect ovarian cancer.

Women without ovaries can develop the disease. Seventy percent of women die within five years of being diagnosed. However, if detected in its early stages, there is a 92 percent chance of a full recovery.

Ovarian cancer does have symptoms. The NormaLeah Ovarian Cancer Foundation utilizes the easy-to-remember BEAT acronym: Bloating, Eating less while feeling fuller, Abdominal and/or back pain, Trouble with your bladder and bowels.

Our foundation honors the memory of two sisters whose lives were cut short by the disease: Norma Yecies Shagrin and Leah Yecies Hantman. Norma, my mother, carried the BRCA gene mutation, which I inherited from her. The BRCA mutation is responsible for up to 10 percent of all incidences of breast and ovarian cancer. It is also closely linked to other cancers, including colon, uterine, endometrial, pancreatic, prostate and rectal cancer. Women with a close family member who has battled one of these cancers is at a higher risk, and we urge them to request the CA-125 and HE4 blood test, as well as a transvaginal ultrasound (TVU).

Our mission is to create public awareness, promote early detection and support research for ovarian cancer. Until reliable screening tests and better treatment methods are developed, women must be educated and empowered to be vigilant self-advocates for their own health. I invite your readers to visit our website at www.normaleahfoundation.org to learn more about the disease and how they can win the battle against it.

– Jodie Shagrin Kavensky,

Founder/Executive Director, NormaLeah

Ovarian Cancer Foundation, Rock Island, Ill.

Dear Jodie Shagrin Kavensky: Thank you for giving us the opportunity to heighten awareness of this disease. We hope the women in our reading audience, and the men who love them, will check out your website.

Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column.

Email questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net or write to Annie’s Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 737 Third St., Hermosa Beach, CA 90254.

To find out more about Annie’s Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

Annie’s Mailbox

Dear Annie: My friend asked me to be her maid of honor and then drove me nuts. She had crazy ideas and didn’t consider anyone else’s financial situation. It was all about her.

She ordered dresses for us that were hideous and arrived with only a week to spare. The other bridesmaids and I convinced her to look for another dress, but although we shopped an entire day, she found nothing she liked. I found a dress on my own, but she didn’t approve of it. Finally, I sent her an email saying that I no longer had time to find an appropriate dress that was to her liking, and I would not be upset to be removed from the wedding party. I asked whether it was still OK to attend the rehearsal dinner and help out.

My friend never responded, and then she made an announcement at the rehearsal dinner that she had chosen someone else as her maid of honor. She claimed I didn’t want to give a speech and that’s why I bowed out. I was hurt that she would announce this in front of everyone and then lie about the reason.

She told me afterward that she still wanted me in the wedding party and another girl would get me the dress. So I ended up purchasing three dresses for her wedding that I could ill-afford. I left the wedding early because I was so hurt. She later sent me an email saying she did what she thought best. She never apologized. Is this a good friend? Did I do anything wrong?

– Disappointed

Dear Disappointed: You expected to be dealing with a friend, but you got stuck with Bridezilla. This is not uncommon. Some brides become so selfishly focused on their own desires that they feel entitled to demand any sacrifice. The good news is, this phase usually passes in time. But if you believe this selfishness is simply your friend letting her true colors show, you are better off without her.

Dear Annie: Thank you for running the letter from “Up Close and Personal,” who tried chlorophyll tablets for bad breath. I had a similar problem. No matter how many times I brushed my teeth and tongue, I still had a terrible taste in my mouth. Since that letter appeared, I have been taking two chlorophyll tablets every day, and I feel so much more confident.

– Fresh and Happy in Ohio

Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column.

Email questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net or write to Annie’s Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 737 Third St., Hermosa Beach, CA 90254. To find out more about Annie’s Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit www.creators.com.

Annie’s Mailbox

Dear Annie: I am a 21-year-old college student. I have found someone I am really close to and would love to have a relationship with. The problem is, she is already in a relationship with someone else.

We worked together for two years and became best friends. Unfortunately, she left the job to focus on school. We still talk, and I always ask myself whether I should tell her how I truly feel and risk tarnishing the friendship. Should I just be happy the way things are?

– Trouble in the Ville

Dear Trouble: It is bad form to go after someone who is already attached. So our recommendation is to leave things alone and enjoy the friendship. However, should she break up with her boyfriend, that would be an OK time to express your feelings. You already understand that she may not feel the same way and the friendship could suffer as a result, but if you are both unattached, you may as well give it a try. You never know.

Dear Annie: I am writing in regard to the letter from “California Grandma.” Grandma was displeased with the conduct of her 13-year-old granddaughter, who just graduated middle school and didn’t invite her to the graduation. Grandma wanted to know whether she could revoke an offer she made to pay the girl $5,000 if she graduated high school with all B’s or better.

Your response, which began with, “It’s your money. You can do whatever you like with it,” may be legally incorrect. Grandma made an offer, and if the granddaughter accepted the offer, a valid contract was created at that moment, and Grandma can no longer revoke it. If granddaughter performs, Grandma is obligated to pay her. If she doesn’t pay up, the granddaughter can sue for breach of contract. The fact that it may have been an oral contract is not the issue. In this type of scenario, oral contracts are binding. Nor is the fact that this is a minor child an issue. Minors may enter into contracts, and the right of revocation rests with the minor, not the adult. Normally with these types of contracts, it would be Grandma’s word against the granddaughter’s. But Grandma just admitted making the offer in the newspaper, so the contract exists.

The moral of the story is, be careful what you promise the kids. It can have binding legal ramifications. It’s a good thing Grandma didn’t promise her a car.

– Florida Lawyer

Dear Florida: What a world. Fortunately for Grandma, letters in our column are anonymous, and there are dozens, if not thousands, of grandparents who make such promises to their grandchildren. So it’s still Grandma’s word against the granddaughter’s that this letter came from her. Nonetheless, we don’t believe Grandma should rescind the offer. It was for grades, not behavior, and she should keep her word.

Annie’s Mailbox

Annie’s Snippet for Patriot Day (author unknown): Death leaves a heartache no one can heal; love leaves a memory no one can steal.

Dear Annie: My granddaughter “Rachel” is 14. Her parents raised her to attend church regularly. In the past year, however, they quit going to church and got divorced. My daughter was seeing a married man who left his wife and children and moved in with my daughter. What a mess.

Rachel asked me, “How can Mom be such a hypocrite? She taught me that sex is for a married couple, and without marriage, it’s wrong. She tells me to not have sex with anyone till I am married. Why should I wait?”

It breaks my heart to see my daughter setting such a bad example for her children. What can I say? I take Rachel and her sister with me to church because they want to go. All I can do at this point is pray for the two broken marriages and broken families.

– Heartbroken Granny

Dear Granny: Rachel seems to have a decent grasp of the situation. Her mother is a hypocrite. The lesson she needs to learn is forgiveness. People can make poor choices and create a great deal of damage and heartache through selfishness.

They are human, and they make mistakes. Rachel doesn’t need to condone her mother’s behavior to understand the power of forgiveness. Please help her get there.

Dear Annie: I think public service announcements warning smokers of the risk of larynx cancer are good. If they make people stop smoking, they can save lives. But it would be nice if they mentioned at the end that smoking is not the only cause of larynx cancer. I have never used tobacco in any form, but I ended up with larynx cancer anyway and breathe through a hole in my neck.

When out in public, I have been told by strangers, “It’s self-destructive idiots like you who make our health insurance so expensive” and “I see you got what you deserved,” etc., etc.

At first I tried to explain, but I was called a liar. So now I just ignore them and keep walking. Any other suggestions?

– Tom from Florida

Dear Tom: You are handling these obnoxiously rude people well by walking away. Unless you want to pass out flyers explaining the various causes of larynx cancer, there’s not much more you can do. Their self-righteous attitude does not allow for compassion.

Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Email questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net. For more information, visit www.creators.com.

Annie’s Mailbox

Dear Annie: We were happy to see a vacant house on our block sell and were pleased to meet the new neighbors. We were willing to overlook the reek of tobacco and the cigarette butts in our driveway. The cat droppings in our flower and vegetable beds were harder to take.

The real problem is that their teenagers race up and down the street at all hours and then park in front of our house smoking and playing with their phones while revving their very loud engines, setting our teeth on edge. These folks have a two-car garage, a concrete parking pad and a long driveway. Why are they parking on the street, let alone in front of the neighbors?

We wanted to like these people, but now we just wish they would move out. Any suggestions? Talking to them didn’t help.

– Disappointed Neighbor

Dear Neighbor: Are there ordinances in your town prohibiting noise after a certain hour or leaving garbage on your property? If so, call the police when necessary. Do you have a neighborhood association that mediates disputes? Sometimes these things can be worked out with a third-party mediator.

In the meantime, put up fences, block your driveway with plastic cones, have fans to block the noise and do whatever you need to in order to protect yourself from these barbarians until one of you moves or the kids leave.

Dear Annie: I have a piece of advice for “Red Hat Mama,” who is still waiting for a guy to ask her out.

There are a lot of men who are uncomfortable asking out women we see only at church. All of my lady friends are women who asked me first. I might appear to have no problem with a friendly conversation, but it’s not the same as asking someone for a date.

I’m debating wearing a button that says, “Please Ask Me.” Then when someone asks me what the button means, I can tell them that I’m more than happy for new friends to ask me to join them for activities.

I’m not that interested in becoming intimate or getting married, but I find it tremendously difficult to embarrass myself by asking a woman to join me and possibly getting a negative response. I’m not one of those men who can tell at a glance whether someone is interested in me. I have mild Asperger’s, and I don’t read people well.

So, Red Hot Mama and all of your cousins, please feel free to ask me. We can have a soda, share a pizza, play cards or get together with other friends. But you need to do the asking.

– “Please Ask Me” John

Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Email questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net or write to Annie’s Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 737 Third St., Hermosa Beach, CA 90254.

To find out more about Annie’s Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

Annie’s Mailbox

Dear Annie: I am a 26-year-old married woman. I love my husband and would do anything for him, and I know he would do the same for me.

The problem is, I contacted an old friend after learning his uncle had died. This guy was my first love. I only reached out to him to offer my condolences. But then the conversation went further, and we ended up reminiscing about the past. Since then, we’ve been talking and texting and recently began to talk about having sex. I know I shouldn’t give in to these impulses, but really, I want to. My friend has not pressured me, so I don’t understand why I feel this way. What should I do?

– Nameless in the USA

Dear Nameless: You should delete his phone number from your records and stop before you make a mess of your life. It is not unusual to fantasize about another partner. A lot of married people do, because marriage can become routine, and an old flame adds excitement. But you need to live up to the commitment you made to your husband to “forsake all others.” Having an affair would hurt him terribly and possibly lead to divorce. Put some of that extra energy into reigniting the passion in your marriage. If you cannot do that, please consider counseling so you can remember why you married in the first place.

Dear Annie: Two years ago, my mother was diagnosed with cancer. Mom has spent her life doing whatever she wants, living wherever it suits her and treating people however she chooses, like it or not. She considers herself a free spirit. My brother resents the fact that Mom has hardly been a part of our lives since we were little kids.

Mom recently moved in with an ex-husband because she doesn’t like the available rental places. She’s spent her life manipulating people to get what she wants, and most of the family has distanced themselves from her. As a result, I feel guilty that she’s so alone and send her money from time to time, whether or not I can afford it. Everyone asks why I’m so susceptible to her manipulations, including my father, my brother and all of my friends. I am mad at myself, too, yet I just sent her more money because her new housemate mailed me a bill for $300 to help pay for their heat – in August. This man has a long history of stealing from me even when I was a teenager. I think I may have simply paid for his propane gas for the winter. Should I just keep giving or let her lie in the bed she has made for herself like everyone I know has said I should?

– H.

Dear H.: Please listen to your own feelings instead of the people around you. Giving her money makes you feel like a sap, but if you don’t, you feel guilty. And with everyone telling you what an easy mark you are, it only compounds your confusion. We know you care about your mother in spite of her selfishness.

This is actually less about Mom and more about you. If giving her money now and then makes you feel better about yourself, it’s fine to continue, but we don’t recommend you advertise your generosity to your friends and family. And if you decide that your kindness is money down the drain and unappreciated, it’s OK to stop. There’s no reason to feel guilty when you are being taken advantage of.

Annie’s Mailbox

Dear Annie: I am 74, and “Jane” is 56. We met online, where I said early on that I was not interested in dating because of the age disparity. I simply told her that I liked the expression on her face in the posted photos. She is beautiful.

But within a few months, we fell in love and became intimate. Jane realized it was a mistake and was quick to point it out. Aside from the age problem, I also suffer from impotence, and the sexual dysfunction had too great an impact. Jane wanted a man who could provide for all her needs.

Jane told me she wanted to stay friends, but I refused. I really fell for her and cannot tolerate the idea that she is sexually involved with another man. This woman is a complete 10 in her heart and soul. After we broke up, I went through months of feeling bad. I cried a lot.

But here’s the problem. Jane seems unable to let go of me. She told me once that she liked me more than anyone she had ever known, and she finds me endlessly interesting. Every month or so, she contacts me. If it happens when I’m strong and happy, I reply, and we have a nice email chat. Of course, eventually she ends up accidentally mentioning her other men, and that caves me in. Jane would never try to make me jealous, but she has no appreciation for my inability to deal with this. I have tried to go cold turkey and dump her completely, but I seem too susceptible to the possibility that she’ll change her mind and want me as a sweetheart again.

It would be easier if I had other romantic options, but at my age and selectivity, I’m not hopeful. Jane was a mistake that got out of hand, and I’m paying for it. Is there a way to build a strong and lasting friendship with Jane regardless of her involvement with other men?

– Too Old

Dear Too: No matter how nice Jane is, we suspect she enjoys making you a wee bit jealous. Otherwise, she wouldn’t mention her male friends. The age gap is not insurmountable, but if a romantic relationship isn’t in the cards, it will take time before you can have the type of friendship you seek. Since you are so susceptible, it might help to distance yourself more thoroughly from Jane and send her emails directly to your spam file. It’s hard to cool off when you both keep fanning the flames.

Dear Annie: I’m responding to “L.H. in Montgomery.”

I, too, am 82 years old and have been single for 23 years. A little over a year ago, I became reacquainted with a wonderful gentleman I’d met at a church 40 years ago. We will be getting married this fall.

Do not despair. There is always hope.

– In Love in SoCal

Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar.

Annie’s Mailbox

Annie’s Snippet for Labor Day (credit author Douglas Pagels): Sometimes it’s important to work for that pot of gold. But other times it’s essential to take time off and to make sure that your most important decision in the day simply consists of choosing which color to slide down on the rainbow.

Dear Annie: I have been married for 40 years to a man who had a few affairs in the past that I recently found out about. We are both seeing counselors, privately and together. At this point in time, I am tired of dealing with this, and our marriage could well end in divorce.

But I am puzzled by what my husband told me. He said he learned in his psychology classes in college that “men are not designed for monogamy.” I have never heard him say anything of the sort in our entire 40 years together. Is this simply an excuse for me to forgive his affairs? Or is the statement true?

He tells me he is done with other women, but now I’m not so sure. Should I trust him again?

– California

Dear California: There is some support for your husband’s statement, but it does not justify affairs. Your husband is not some uncivilized animal with no concern for his partner. We assume he is an adult and capable of self-control. But we can’t promise he will never have another affair, and he probably cannot promise that, either, even if his intentions are good. Only you can decide whether it’s worth the risk after 40 years of marriage.

Dear Annie: I work in an office with six women, and they all have cubicles. I have my own office. My problem is they do not associate with me. One woman in particular seems to run the show. I’ve tried to be friendly and converse with them, but I am snubbed.

I’ve been in the office for seven years. I always feel terrible when I hear them talking and laughing about family and things they did. But I’m never included in the conversation unless it has to do with work.

– Feeling Lonely

Dear Lonely: If you have your own office, your status must be higher than that of your co-workers. It is hardly unusual for staff members to associate mainly with those at a similar level of employment. For your own peace of mind, please find friends elsewhere and keep the office a place of professionalism.

Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Email questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net or write to Annie’s Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 737 Third St., Hermosa Beach, CA 90254.

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